


Lovely

by Ghostboyhaunted



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Highschool AU, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, PLEASE READ TAGS, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, bcs i said so >:), but it got rlly long, just attempt, self harm tw, this aint a song fic but it IS baised sorta on lovely, this was a fucking vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:26:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25294651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostboyhaunted/pseuds/Ghostboyhaunted
Summary: - The only difference between life and dyingIs one is trying, that's all we're called to doSo try to love me and I'll try to save you. -Virgil grabbed his phone on his bed and walked back to the window. It would be better if he went without telling anyone, right? Left without a trace?...He dialed Logans number.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84





	Lovely

Logan was very much asleep. The high school junior was somehow caught up in all his classes and had the homework finished for the next week. The kid was a nerd, essentially. So nerdy, in fact, that his room was decorated in different sciency posters and art. On the ceiling was a huge mural of the milky way that he commissioned his friend to paint. It was marvelous. Logan himself slept in a loft bed, with a desk and school supplies under him. The room was busy but still neat, not unlike Logan’s demeanor.   
  
His phone sat on his desk, undisturbed. Logan was adamant about not taking it to bed with him, unlike his ‘night owl’ friends. Virgil was the worst of them, in terms of phone use. The freshman had such a perfectly balanced cocktail of mental illness and overall teen angst that sleep was close to impossible. Even now, in the early hours of the morning(if you could call 2 am morning) Virgil laid awake.   
  
The 15-year-old really wasn’t in the best state of mind(in all fairness, have _you_ ever met a 15-year-old in a _good_ state of mind?) and was one straw away from snapping the camel’s back. Everything was shit and everyone was shit and blah blah teen angst. Everything hurt, too. Well, the cuts hurt, but in all fairness that was kind of their job. But the hurt wasn’t skin(or ya know,,,,,,,,however deep he had cut) deep. It seemed cold, dirty, and bone-deep; it was some kind of ache you cant just shake or cry or cut away. Virgil knew this. He was scared of this fact. Fuck, he was _scared._ Scared of dying; scared of living. He wanted to stop being afraid. He wanted to stop everything, really. And who would miss him if he did? No one in school liked him very much, and the one friend he did have was going to leave next year anyway. The only sibling he had was in college across the country, and his parents were distant. No one would care. Would anyone even show up to the funeral? Would it matter?   
  
Suffice to say, Virgil wasn’t in a good headspace. He pulled over his sketchbook and flipped through it to distract him from his thoughts. Sketches for murals and other drawings decorated the pages. There was a whole part dedicated to the piece he did for Logan. Logan, his one _actual_ friend at school. Were they friends, really? Virgil probably bothered him. Virgil bothered everyone. He shouldn’t be that much of a bother. He should leave everyone alone. He should just leave.   
  
Virgil got up from his bed and opened the window. He peered over the edge. _Jump._ He stood frozen, looking down at the alley next to the apartment building. From the height of his room, he would surely die if he fell. _Jump._ Could he? Should he? No. This wasn’t right. God. Virgil wanted everything to stop. He was scared. Idiot. Why couldn’t he just _go?_ Why?   
  
Virgil grabbed his phone on his bed and walked back to the window. It would be better if he went without telling anyone, right? Left without a trace? 

.

.  
.  
He dialed Logans number.    
  
  
Logan woke up to the buzz of a phone call shaking the bed. He groggily put on his glasses and climbed down to his desk. His phone burned his eyes as he picked it up.    
  
“Hello?” Logan asked, his voice sheepish with sleep   
  
“Logan?” Virgil was quiet. He sounded hurt. He sounded like he had been crying.    
  
“Virgil? Are you okay?” He was worried. Virgil never called late at night.    
  
“Mhm.” His voice was distant. The swish of cars driving in the streets could be heard from the open window.    
  
“Where are you?” Logan was more awake now.    
  
“Im in my room by the window.”    
  
“And why, might I ask, are you standing by the window? Its cold out, you might get sick.” In all fairness, it  _ was  _ the middle of December.    
  
Virgil just looked at the ground. “I’m gonna jump.”    
  
Logan’s blood ran cold. Keep him talking. “And why would you ever do that?”    
  
“To kill myself.” It seemed strange for Virgil to say out loud.    
  
Logan had to do something. He had to.(aka, big brother mode had been activated) “Virgil, what is your address?” He asked as he slipped on a jacket and tennis shoes.    
  
“Why do you care?” Virgil was quiet   
  
Logan grabbed his dad’s car keys and got in the car. “Im going to come to pay you a visit, if you don’t mind.”    
  
“Well I  _ do  _ mind.” Virgil snapped. Over the phone, he could hear the car start to go.    
  
“Well I would mind if you jumped, so we’re even,” Logan stated matter-of-factly    
  
Virgil grumbled a little. If Logan was anything, it was stubborn. “Down city apartments on the corner of Main and Zazz. I’ll meet you outside.”    
  
“I’m on my way now. Do you want me to stay on the phone while I drive?” Logan asked   
  
Virgil yawned. “Please.” He whispered. God, he was pathetic. He was bothering Logan. What a waste. Shithead. Fuckup. Attention whore. Cant you just shut up for once in your pitiful life?    
  
“I recently read this book, and I think you might like it, V.” Logan said, snapping Virgil out of his spiral for a moment.    
  
“Oh? What book?” Logan had a great taste in books. He loved sci-fi and mystery and horror and god that was  _ all  _ up Virgil’s alley. Virgil listened as he pulled off his binder( he had been in it much too long. It wasn’t healthy) and put on a baggy sweatshirt. Maybe he should be presentable for Logan, but he didn’t think the boy would really care.    
  
“Its called We Are The Ants. Its about a boy who gets visited by aliens. They give him the choice of whether or not to let them destroy the world. Although, his boyfriend had killed himself recently so in his self-destructive grief, he cannot find it himself to pick. In the end, tho-”    
  
“Sounds great Logan. Really. But don’t spoil it, okay?” Virgil laughed a little.    
  
“I am sorry. But its good, really.” he paused for a moment, stopping the car. “Im here.”    
  
Virgil walked outside. He was in no way dressed for the weather in a baggy sweatshirt, boxers, and no shoes. He held his sketchbook and supplies in one hand and his phone in the other. In the dark, the boy looked so small and frail. He climbed in the car and sat down next to Logan.    
  
“I’m sorry about this, Lo,” he said quietly, curling up in a ball.    
  
“It’s no problem, Virgil. I quite like your company. You’re my friend.” His voice was calm and collected, although internally, he was so scared for his friend.    
  
“Where are we going?” Virgil asked, dodging Logan’s statement. He looked out the windows at the city lights that passed.    
  
Logan paused to think. “I was just going to drive around the city. Do you have anywhere you would like to go?”    
  
The boy shook his head no. He pulled out his sketchbook and flipped to a new page. “Can I draw you?” Virgil asked in a whisper    
  
Logan smiled a little. “Of corse.” He tried to focus on the road and the city and the boy who could be a corpse right now sitting in his passengers seat drawing. “Why’d you want to do it?” He asked, not expecting an answer.    
  
“I wanted to not be a bother but fucking look how well that turned out.” He said in a gruff voice. Tears pricked his eyes.    
  
“I understand your feelings. Just know you’re not a bother to me.”   
  
Virgil scoffed a little. “No offence, Lo, but I don’t think you get how im feeling.”   
  
Logan took a quiet breathe before speaking again “When I was your age I tried to kill myself, multiple times actually.”    
  
_ Oh.  _ “Really? Why?” Virgil asked in a whisper.    
  
“I was bullied. I had no friends. I was  _ gay. _ ” Logan listed off reasons. Things had changed, though.    
  
“Do you,,,still have any wounds?” Virgil rubbed at his shoulder a little as blood started the soak into the fabric of his sweatshirt.    
  
The driver nodded “Ive got plenty.” In the glow of the passing lights, a large scar across Logan’s neck, and smaller ones on his hands seemed to glow.    
  
“....you?” Virgil trailed off, not really knowing how to react. He kept his eyes trained on the scar on Logans neck. Logan, the most well put together person Virgil had ever met, seemed to be a hot mess. “Sometimes I can still taste the vomit in the back of my throat. Smell it too” He admitted.   
  
“This wasn’t your first attempt, was it V?” Logan’s voice was soaked in sadness and hurt. He wanted to help the kid. Protect him.    
  
“Overdose. I stole my brothers heart medication when he was home for the summer. He heard me vomit and rushed me to the er. I almost died. I got so close and then I let him find me. My heart rate was thirty, Lo.”    
  
Logan didn’t know how to respond. With every word his soul ached more. “Activated charcoal is fucking disgusting, huh?” He joked. Virgil smiled a little. It was rare for Logan to swear.    
  
“Try activated charcoal and a stomach pump” 

-

  
After some time(and many sketches) Virgil put down his sketchbook and streched his sweatshirt over himself and curled into a ball. Logan side eyed him. That was Logans sweatshirt he had given the boy. Cute!   
  
“Do you want me to drop you off back home?” Logan asked quietly, knowing it would soon be time for the world to wake.    
  
“Can,,can I stay with you? You don’t have to say yes or anything really its dumb dont feel like you have to but I dont think I can be alone right now.” Virgil murmured, half asleep, still anxious.    
  
Logan pulled up to his garage and parked the car. Virgil was fast asleep. He got out and scooped the sleeping boy up and carried him inside.    
  
Patton, Logans older brother, was stood sock-footed and sleepy-eyed in the kitchen. Two pieces of toast were cooking in the toaster.    
  
“Mrning” Patton mumbled    
“Mmhmm.” Logan replied.    
“Long night?” Patton pointed to Virgil, who was asleep and had wrapped himself around Logan.   
  
Logan just hummed before putting Virgil on the couch then sitting down at the kitchen island. “Coffee.” He replied   
  
  
Patton made coffee and toast and sat down next to Logan. The two breakfasted in quiet for a bit.   
  
“So, whats with the kid?” patton asked, eyeing the sleeping boy.   
“He called me this morning, said he wanted to kill himself. So I did the natural thing to do and took him on a drive.” He explained quietly.    
Patton couldn’t help but slip on a sad smile. “Like I used to do for you.” He ruffled his brothers hair.    
“ Like you used to do for me, yeah.” Logan echoed.    
“You worried about him?” 

  
Logan kept looking over at Virgil. The small boy looked peaceful. “Yeah. Kids cut up like a cheese cloth.”    
“What?” Patton had no idea what the nonsense that just spewed out of Logans mouth meant.    
“Cut bad. Slice slice.”    
Patton nodded a little. “We have a first aid kit in the bathroom.”    
“Im gonna wait till he wakes up.” Logan said, getting up and pouring himself another cup of coffee.    
“You gonna skip school?” Patton would normally chastise him for it, but this was different.    
Logan just nodded wordlessly.    
  
Virgil groaned and flopped over on the couch. The morning sun was just starting to reach through the windows. “Briiiigt.” He groaned, pulling his hoodie tighter.    
  
“How do you take your coffee, Virgil?” Logan asked as he grabbed another mug from the coubbord    
“Black.” He kid replied, still buried in his hoodie. He paused for a moment. “Can you add sugar?”    
  
Logan fixed him a cup of coffee and gave it to the boy. He took a sip, then a gulp, then it was gone.    
“Sorry,” Virgil said sheepishly “Im not allowed coffee at home. Makes me shakey. So when I get it I drink it.”    
  
Patton laughed a little. “I get that, kiddo. When Logan was younger we used to go to a diner before school in the morning and he would end up drinking so much coffee he would be sick the rest of the school day!”    
  
Virgil started giggiling a little. “ _ Really? _ Wow Lo, I never thought you to be a guzzeler.”    
  
Logan shook his head. “You are  **_fifteen._ ** God what even are kids these days.”    
“Anyway,” Virgil stood up “We should probably be getting back to school.”    
  
“Actually, I was thinking we could skip today.” Logan said with a sly smile. Logan skipping was a rarity    
Virgil grinned “Yeah, I would like that. Can I have another cup of coffee?”    
Virgil got another cup of coffee.    
“I was wondering if after we finish breakfast you would let me take a look at your cuts, Virgil?” Logan asked before sipping his coffee.    
  
  
“I guess. If its not too much of a bother.” Virgil said, rubbing his sleeve.    
“You are  _ not  _ a bother.” Logan said very seriously    
“Sure, lo. Whatever you say.” Virgil replied dryly. Maybe he started to believe it.    
  
After breakfast, the two students walked into the bathroom. Virgil slipped off his hoodie. His arms, shoulders, and torso were covered in cuts of varying sizes. The boys shoulder was wrapped up, too.    
  
Logan grabbed the first aid kit and sat Virgil down on the tub. He tried his best to clean the cuts without hurting the boy or making him uncomfortable(however, making a trans boy uncomfortable about his torso was a very easy thing to do). “If I may ask, whats with the shoulder rap?” He asked curiously    
  
Virgil shrugged a little “Remember your bedroom ceiling that I painted? Well at the same time I was doing similar works, and all of it put a strain on my shoulder. Now I gotta wrap it and go to physical therapy.”    
  
Damn. “Youch, that sounds terrible.” Logan said as he cleaned the cuts.    
“Ces’t la vie.”    
The two went quiet as Logan continued to work. After all of them were cleaned, Logan could get a better look at the bigger ones. Only one or two seemed to be something to worry about.    
  
“Mind if I?” Logan asked as he lifted Virgil's arm to get a better look at a large cut. He looked at it close. It was one the few that were still bleeding. “This ones real bad, V.”    
  
“Oh,” Virgil whispered to himself “m sorry.”    
  
“Don’t apologize. I just hate to know you felt so bad you did this to yourself.” Logan explained quietly as he unwrapped bandages.    
  
“ts whatever” Virgil mumbled. “Just teen angst bullshit.”    
  
“No, no I think that's depression.”    
“Teen angst bullshit  _ and  _ depression?” Virgil offered.    
Logan chuckled a little “Sure, V. Just don’t go around killing anyone and framing their deaths as suicide.”    
Virgil lit up a bit. “You got my reference?”    
Logan couldn't help but smile “I'm friends with  _ Roman Lionhart,  _ of course I got it.” Ah yes, Roman. Theater kid to the extreme.    
“I dunno if we’re gonna be playing hookie, maybe we could,watch it?”    
  
He finished bandaging the worst ones then got up from where he was standing “Let's get you some clean clothes first, and then i'd love to.”    
Virgil flashed a quick smile before getting up and following Logan to his room. The boy could help but marvel at the painted ceiling that took him over a month to complete.    
  
“Magnificent, isn't it?” Logan said as he went into his closet and pulled out a hoodie. It wasn’t that Logan didn’t  _ like  _ his sweatshirts, it was just that Virgil seemed to like them more. He handed it to Virgil who slipped it on. It swamped the boy.    
Virgil would never admit it, but he loved the way Logans sweatshirts smelt- like cologne, coffee, and something distinctly Logan. It was comforting, like rain and tea, or blankets and movies.    
Virgil looked up at the ceiling and nodded. “All the pt is  _ definitely  _ worth it.”    
  
“Well, should we head back to the living room?” Logan offered. 

  
Virgil nodded and walked into the livingroom with Logan. The two sat on the couch and watched movies for the rest of the day.    



End file.
